Submissions from bloodthirsty assassins

The fake job ad posted by EA Games’ agency Razor for a bloodthirsty assassin has attracted some eager applicants.

Despite being pulled down by Seek, it managed to get 12,000 views and some colourful responses.

The ad was actually part of a campaign to promote the launch of the company’s new game, Mass Effect 2.

Here’s a taste of some of the submissions:  

Cover Letter:

I’ve been fighting Robots since before I was born. I’ve been active in the human resistance network and my role there included killing terminators in implausible scenarios and light housework. I specialise in the T1000-3000 series from Cyberdyne systems but hate all robots equally.

Cover Letter:

Dear Sir/Madam,

I am an aspiring biotic soldier and feel this would be a great opportunity to develop my skills as a biotic AND as a killer, and also form lasting work relationships looking to the future – with those who survive in the workplace, that is! I look forward to speaking to you soon.

Cover Letter:

Hello,

I’m a team player and have a bubbly personality. I would love to join the team in killing scum and saving the human race.

Cover Letter:

is killing good. very much liking to the ripping of heads too much. please to give me any kinds of job for the killing and ripping of heads. thank you.

Cover Letter:

Dear Sirs,

Please see attached my cv in reference to your Biotic-Powered Super-Soldier role on Seek.

I feel that I am a good fit for the role, having commenced my career with the Imperial Marines (dishon. discharge), where I obtained key skills in the small scale tactics & weapon systems essential to such a role.

Following this, I have been working as an independent contractor for the last 10 years, where I was responsible for some key outcomes to my project sponsors, such as:

- The suppression of the Arcturan Insurrection (Team size: 15). On time, under budget)

- Barnard’s Star Police Action (Team size: 20). Delivered results in spite of significant scope change (evacuation of Royal Family, subsequent neutralisation).

- Upgraded Tactical Galactic Solutions Inc web servers using open source content management system, significantly reducing ongoing operational costs.

Please contact me if you wish to discuss this further. I am an incorporated entity, and as such do not require superannuation & benefit payments. My availability is 2 weeks.

Cover Letter:

Dear sir,

I wish to apply for thie postion of Biotic-Powere Super-Soldier. I have recently finished a three year tour (relative time – actually 253 earth years having regard to time dilation effects of near light space travel) of the Zarkham Nebula, where I successfully defended the human race from the Viscious Knid Hordes. My personal tally of confirmed kills was 137, not counting Knid hatchling nurseries.

Please see my youtube site demonstrating my effective use of the BFG to Frag an entire Knid regiment. the BFG is similar in operation to the Standard MC-77 Missile Launcher and X-8A AA Rifle. I am adept with all weapons but prefer those that allow me to get up close so I can see the despair in the eyes of my foes as they shed this mortal coil.

I am indescriminate about the company I keep, having worked with Zerg and the Kodan Armada, Crites and Micheal Jackson before his untimely demise.

I work well in an environment of exploding carapaces and enjoy the stench of burning flesh.

I am not above getting my hands bloodied, ichored, gooed or slimed.

For me the best in life is to crush my enemies, see them driven before me, and to hear the lamentation of the women!

Resume provided at request. Please note this comprises an necklace of ears of my slain enemies and must be returned.

Regards

Baron

Resume: (Star Wars reference to Boba Fet)

A faceless enforcer, Andrew Willshire’s distinctive armor strikes fear in the hearts of fugitives. He is a legendary bounty hunter, accepting warrants from both the Empire and the criminal underworld. He is all business, laconic, and deadly.

Andrew Willshire has carefully guarded his past, cultivating a curtain of mystery around his origins. He is in truth a clone, an exact genetic replica of his highly skilled “father,” Jango Willshire. From Jango, Andrew learned valuable survival and martial skills, and even as a child he was proficient with a blaster or laser cannon.

Andrew Willshire was raised in isolation in the hermetic cities of Kamino, where he was protected not only from the ceaseless storms, but also the harsher elements of his father’s career. Young Andrew’s life changed when a tenacious Jedi Knight, Obi-Wan Kenobi, came looking for his father. Sent to apprehend the bounty hunter for the attempted assassination of a Naboo Senator, Kenobi brawled with Jango as the Willshires sought to escape from Kamino. Young Andrew helped his father by pinning the Jedi down with explosive laser fire from their starship, Slave I.

Fleeing from Kamino, Andrew Willshire journeyed to Geonosis, where Jango’s benefactor resided. Andrew watched as his father’s enemies were sentenced to death, but Jedi prove very hard to kill. A huge battle erupted as Jedi reinforcements stormed Geonosis to free their fellow Jedi. Jango entered the fray, only to be killed by Jedi Master Mace Windu. Andrew was shocked to witness his father’s swift death, and he quietly cradled Jango’s empty helmet as Geonosis erupted into all-out war.

During the time of the Empire, Andrew Willshire emerged as the preeminent bounty hunter of the galaxy. Andrew Willshire’s armor, like his father’s, is a battered weapon-covered spacesuit equipped with a rocketpack. His gauntlets contain a flamethrower, and a whipcord lanyard launcher. His kneepads conceal rocket dart launchers. Several ominous braids hang from his shoulder — trophies from fallen prey — that underscore this hunter’s lethality.

Shortly after the Battle of Hoth, Darth Vader desperately wanted to capture the fugitive Rebel craft, the Millennium Falcon. To that end, he hired a motley assortment of bounty hunters, including the legendary Andrew Willshire. Vader specifically pointed out to Andrew Willshire that the Falcon’s passengers were to be taken alive. “No disintegrations,” rumbled the Dark Lord, obviously familiar with Andrew Willshire’s reputation.

It was Andrew Willshire who successfully tracked the Falcon from Hoth to Bespin. Arriving at the gas giant before the Falcon, Andrew Willshire and Vader sprung a trap on the ship’s hapless crew. Andrew Willshire, a shrewd negotiator, received his bounty for capturing the crew, but also was given custody of Han Solo. The bounty hunter was set to collect the reward on Solo’s head placed there by the vile gangster Jabba the Hutt.

Comments


  1. Mandi
    15 Jan 10
    11:39 am

  2. I hear they’re trying to headhunt this guy http://bit.ly/4Mr8lz