Telstra’s ten crimes against advertising
New Telstra creativity supremo Mark Collis no doubt has a lot on his plate.
So in case he’s not had a chance to check out the agency reels yet, Mumbrella presents the ten worst Telstra ads of the last five years.
10. Camping
Reason to hate the ad: Furtive fumblings in the dark. A camp moustache. Yes, a spot of mild homophobia to kick off our list.
9. Brad & Emma – Where Is
Reason to hate the ad: Their so-called fanpage on Facebook may describe them as “Australia’s most hilarious couple”, instead, wet Brad and bitchy Emma are the sort of people even hitchhikers wouldn’t want a lift from.
8. Bob Geldof
Reason to hate the ad: One of three ads featuring famous celebrities with no connection to the product other than a willingness to accept a large sack of money for playing themselves. Badly.
7. Bagpipes
Reason to hate the ad: Okay, the rabbits ad was cute, but Patrick & Daniel are not as beloved to the nation as Telstra seems to believe. This ad was the moment they passed their best by date
6. Brazilian
Reason to hate the ad: This “banned ad” involving a weak pub on the word Brazilian looked like an attempt to create something controversial for the sake of it. With 800 views in the last two years, it failed.
5. Keyboard Cat
Reason to hate the ad: A new contribution, to promote the T-Hub. Tapping into a year-old internet meme is about as cool as a dad at a wedding.
4. Dustin Hoffman
Reason to hate the ad: Like the Geldof ad, star power along cannot save a sucky script
3. Call Mum
Reason to hate the ad: Because if you cast the psycho from Wolf Creek (John Jarratt) and put spooky music under the ad, it’s a natural assumption that mum’s been buried in the back garden.
2. ErnCorp – local
Reason to hate the ad: Even a character as irredeemably stupid as Ern probably wouldn’t assume that his secretary has become an alcoholic overnight. And if he did, he might spot the difference between a phone shop and a boozer once he walked in.
1. John McEnroe
Reason to hate the ad: You cannot be serious that this got made
Tim Burrowes
Tim Burrowes founded Mumbrella in 2008. He worked on Mumbrella until 2021. At various points he was editor, content director and editor-at-large.
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topics
Advertising
BigPond
Bob Geldof
Cheryl
Ern
ErnCorp
John Jarratt
John McEnroe
keyboard cat
Mark Collis
NextG
T-Hub
Telstra
thank god the word of mumbo isn’t gospel, but just an opinion. viscous one of that.
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God… I can’t imagine how much money they are paying Mark Collis!
Why in God’s name would he even want that job???
And btw, I HATE Brad & Emma and cannot believe they’re supposed to be boyfriend/girlfriend – I have always been under the impression that they are brother and sister!!!
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Those three celebrity ads were just the worst of the worst in the Trujillo era. It was THE most solid proof that the three Americans at the top had NO CLUE WHATSOEVER about Australian culture.
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Good old Bill Stewart and Amanda J-P “lighting the Christmas tree” and “pushing through glass walls” with BWM and GPY&R providing the Emperor’s New Clothes.
I presume BWM are rightly a little nervous now…
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Being viscous is better than being vicious. Not sure how that’s relevant here, though, anon…
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The keyboard cat is nowhere near as bad as the first one: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oFvCrduLQ-M
It’s in the worst ads of all time in my list.
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A bit harsh mumbo.
I thought lol cat was pretty good. And Ern is a legend.
But yeah GPYR Ads with celebs really stink
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…and Tim..
. (Apart from Rabbits) can you name the TOP TEN BEST TELSTRA ADS?
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I disagree on the Ern ads – I love them. I think they position the office manager in small business as being much smarter than their boss – pressumably appealing to said office managers who would often look after procurement of services such as Telstra’s?
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@Stephen That first ad you linked to is arguably the most honest one of all… all those T-Hub services are absolute “Poppycock” just as Mr Bell says.
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To be honest I’ll admit I find Brad and Emma mildly amusing. Does this make me a bad person?
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Have to agree that some of these ads aren’t all that bad. It would be interesting to see some figures on success rate or ROI. While mumbo may class then as annoying, even criminal, might not mean that they were ineffective as ad campaigns.
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Random selection, Mumbo. What criteria are you using, mate? I personally think the Next G ones are amusing and clever.
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I can’t get to ten, but my best are:
1. I am, you are, we are Australians. An idea based on a song, but hits the spot. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I95Vj3w6wg4
2. Homeline kids – about all that was cute during the GPY&R tenure. Integrated, too (gasp!) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g6vEttfQi6I
3. Not happy Jan – Sensis, but close enough. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2akt3P8ltLM
4. Um, that’s it.
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You’ve missed the head in a taxidermy jar!
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I think the Ern ads have been really effective. I think the print and online campaigns have worked well also. Ern is everywhere! Love Ern!
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Apart from regulatory uncertainty Telstras two single biggest issues are Really poor service and really poor marketing. Time will tell whether one guy can change so
much in the new CM Organisation, with the inmates now truly running the asylum
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Yes, Mumbo, good ole sample size of one. But that’s the beauty of being human, the ability to have an opinion 🙂
So THAT’S what that ridiculous head in the jar is that’s on Adshel at the moment. I think I saw it once and thought “WTF is that about?”
Celeb ads…yes….soooo much money down the toilet…..
Maybe that’s why they are the highest price network.
Go Optus, they might be exhausting the animals in the ad thing but hey…at least you can animate animals to act unlike the celebs that can’t even act as themselves!
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PS don’t mind a bit of Brad and Emma, although it does play on the cliche of making the man look like a complete idiot.
I’m with Grand Brands, be interesting to see how the market responded to all of these…..
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Good list.
I reckon that 1. features a joke at the expense of homosexuals, not sure how that’s fear of homosexuality ie. Homophobia.
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half of the ads on your list were created by an agency that hasn’t worked for Telstra for two years.
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I like the Brad & Emma ads!
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“Mark Collis has been appointed director, Creativity and Innovation, and commenced last week, reporting to chief marketing officer Kate McKenzie,” a Telstra spokesman told AdNews. Mark will bring his ideas into the Telstra mix, and will work with people throughout the business to stimulate new thinking – to help turn good ideas into reality.”
“Mark’s role has no bearing on Telstra’s existing marketing team or day-to-day campaigns. He has a wide-ranging brief that will span many parts of the company including innovation, products and technology.”
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Hi Bliss (comment 21 – unless reading this in Explorer where the number may not show up), have a read of the second para: “ten worst Telstra ads of the last five years”. See the last three words, there?
And thanks also to the quote from the official line (comment 23). Do you really think that one of the most experienced creative directors in Australia won’t have a bearing on the marketing team and its agency relationships? Seems an odd hiring decision in that case then, doesn’t it?
Cheers,
Tim – Mumbrella
Looks like the worst ten Telstra ads you could find on You Tube to me.
To hail ‘Rabbits’ yet claim that Patrick and Daniel are past their best by date in the bagpipes ad is a little odd to me. Didn’t the bagpipes ad kick off the series?
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eek.
No.
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AdGrunt.
Really?
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What is a cynic? A man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.
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Not being smart by the way, I thought they were all pretty much launched at the same time. Then again, I do have an old tv.
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eek.
Really.
If you look closely in Bagpipes, they are researching the GWoC on their neighbour’s broadband.
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@ekk and @AdGrunt
We first picked up the ‘Rabbits’ TVC on 8/9/05 on channel 10, George the bagpipe player didn’t come along until the 6/11/05, so a couple of months later.
Let me know if you need any more details – its what we do.
Cheers
Mungo
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What qualifies someone to judge the ten worse Telstra ads? Random selection, Mumbrella. What successful campaigns have Mumbrella writers been part of? Any Lion? Pencils? Anything? Hmmmmm. People in glass houses.
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Aaah @Mountain Lion, you’ve gone ahead and used my very favourite asinine internet counterargument… “you can’t do better so shut up!”
Stunningly ignorant, and absurdly ridiculous. Let me put it this way… most people aren’t top ranking professional tennis players, but that doesn’t prevent them from being able to spot someone who’s pretty shit at tennis.
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I would have to agree with most of the adds that are in the list here. Telstra knows it can do better and as such they have appointed a new head!
I am not saying i can do better, but what is the effectiveness of celebrity endorsements anyway? Surely in Australian culture we should all understand the “I dont give a F*:) what you drink/watch you wear or phone line you use” mentality.
Celebrity endorsements/commercials do not appeal at all, mainly becuase I just dont buy into the fact that they use the product they are pimping on the day.
If Tim wants to put a list to counter this one: Top Ten Telstra adds, that might also be a bit constructive. However Tim, you’ll probably get about the same amount of comments on how you got it wrong!
If it were me, the most recallable Telstra add for me was when they switched from Analogue to digital “Telstra keeps you moving(???)” with all the runners running up the hill and telstra man makes it to the top first… you know the one.
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Ahhh, Nate. Some intelligence at last. Still flawed. The critique by average punters pointing out the flaws in tennis players is far outweighed by the reasoned, experienced judgement of professionals who’ve played the game — being able to diagnose the underlying the problems not just randomly selecting playing techniques they don’t like. QED
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Did you see what Tim did with that John McEnroe reference…and he has the cheek to accuse others of writing shit. Et Tu Tim?
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Irony, innit.
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Yep irony it is innit
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Sadly you’re wrong, AdGrunt. I can confirm that it was simply lazy writing.
Cheers,
Tim – Mumbrella
so how much did Telstra/Oglivy pay you to publish this ad blogpost? I hope when you go to hell for this you are forced to watch Telstra ads for eternity.
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@#6: ‘This “banned ad” involving a weak pub on the word Brazilian’
Weak pub? Make that weak pun.
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I love the Next G ads!
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the bagpipes thing was ultra-annoying, but most of these are so forgettable, I wish I hadn’t bothered. none of them are or were funny either. perhaps that’s what you meant by bad — when I think of worst adverts I think of the bookwarehouse/persiancarpets/francocozzo/latenightphonesleaze type stuff.
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Does anyone think the bearded bloke in the camping ad looks a bit like mumbrella’s Tim?? lol
& geez that Brazilian ad was absolutely woeful, the worst of the lot, just scraping in lower than the the McEnroe shocker.
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Wow, I have not seen that many Telstra ads back to back in one group in, like, well, ever, actually. I can’t believe how bad they really are. I am lucky enough to be an ad writer who has never had to work on a telco (couple of brief flirtings but nothing really) and I tend to tune out shit, so I think I’ve never attributed all these bad ads to the one advertiser. Bad gags and awful, awful faux relationships, be they boyfriend/girlfriend… dad/son… mates… and I know how many ad souls would have been sucked dry to make those ads. Sad really…
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What about the old “We do chucky ad?”… cannot find that anywhere online either.
This has to be one of the better ones.
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Telstra went to the dogs as soon as it was privatised. None of its TVCs are as good as they were in the old Telecom days.
Like https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ScThCYgEm7g
or https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9p7MC47pqls&feature=related
Now that Kevin Rudd is rebuilding a national phone monopoly, let’s hope some of the billions he plan to spend can restore our national pride in telecoms advertising.
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Telstra is losing market share fast in all areas. overpriced and out of touch. adv can save them once they have a viable business model, but not before. all comments above are, therefore, irrelevant in the real world.
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I’d like to know who signed-off on the Brad and Emma eBay Ad?
Hello! Doesn’t Telstra own Trading Post?
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Greg. I’m not sure what planet you’re on but “None of its TVCs are as good as they were in the old Telecom days.” Are you serious or just taking the piss?
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