Dr Mumbo

Embrace the pain with the ABC

Dr Mumbo doesn’t know how the ABC is getting anything done at the moment, with its leadership team imploding, allegations of inappropriate touching by its former chairman Justin Milne, threats of a defamation suit from former NSW state opposition leader Luke Foley and questions from the federal government.

Thankfully though, ABC personality Sammy J was on hand at the broadcaster’s 2019 content launch to help everyone through this tumultuous time. 

Sammy J launched the event with a special ABC-themed yoga session.

Sammy J feeling the budget cuts

Dr Mumbo’s highlights were the pointed jabs at former chairman Milne:

“You’re a plane. You’re a Jetstream. Floating through the air. You’re invincible.

“And with me, you’re flying too close to the sun now, before crashing and burning, and bringing the managing director down with you.”

The reality of TV ratings:

“…Just enjoy the ratings surging forward, all the way to the roof, before transitioning down into ‘We don’t care about the ratings at the ABC’.

“Of course this move goes straight into ‘Furiously checking the ratings on TV Tonight at 10 o’clock every morning’. In David Knox we trust.”

And, of course, the ABC’s favourite topic, funding cuts:

“…Feel that good will and integrity soaring through your charter, and when you’re feeling nice and smug and entitled, we’ll head straight into our downward facing federal budget cuts.

“So just, feel that funding flowing out of you, really haemorrhaging out of every orifice there. Just push through the pain.”

Should you wish to relax and play along at home, the full routine is below:

We wanted to start today just by letting go of everything that’s happened over the past month, focussing on the year ahead.

So with your indulgence, I’d like to begin with a bit of ABC yoga.

Breathing out. Let’s start by getting in touch with our core programming.

So, just feel that energy surging down your Back Roads, down in all Four Corners of your body. And then bring our attention dow to our Insiders now.

Sammy J leading the ABC’s yoga session

Feel the spirit of Barry Cassidy all around you. In Barry we trust. There might be a little Laura Tingle down there, that’s ok.

Breathe her out.

Okay, from here, we’re going to move around into our kids programming. So, up into our iView streaming now. Take your time to buffer….

Be at one with yourself. Be at two with yourself. Thank you for those, who got the B2 joke. I took the day off after I wrote that one.

And moving now, all the way around and into our Spicks and Specks reboot. At this point, just forget the fact that Spicks and Specks was already rebooted once, completely from your memory now, and just enjoy the ratings surging forward, all the way to the roof, before transitioning down into ‘We don’t care about the ratings at the ABC’.

Of course this move goes straight into ‘Furiously checking the ratings on TV Tonight at 10 o’clock every morning’. In David Knox we trust.

Okay, from here, now we’ll move up into our public trust. So just feel that good will and integrity soaring through your charter, and when you’re feeling nice and smug and entitled, we’ll head straight into our downward facing federal budget cuts.

So just, feel that funding flowing out of you, really haemorrhaging out of every orifice there. Just push through the pain.

And, when you’re nice and weak, moving down into our accusations of bias.

Put your left arm up, and your right arm as well…

From here, get back up, and into our chairman of the board.

So, remember to breathe, and bringing your arms out. You’re a plane. You’re a Jetstream. Floating through the air. You’re invincible.

And with me, you’re flying too close to the sun now, before crashing and burning, and bringing the managing director down with you.

Down we go, and feel the burn now. Feel the pain. Embrace it. Don’t walk away. Look straight at it. Face your fears.

Form here, into our final move of course, the rebirth of the glorious David Anderson – rising, like a phoenix. Feel that support of the staff. Feel your deep life-long commitment to public broadcasting.

Okay, and from here, we’re going to finish with the Ian Henderson dignified final broadcast.

Sorry, there’s been a tech glitch, we’ll do that one tomorrow.

Ladies and gentlemen…. namaste.

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