Dr Mumbo

5 things Dr Mumbo learned about sex from Mamamia

As he is not a doctor of the medical variety, sometimes Dr Mumbo makes the mistake of searching the internet for medical advice and tales of shared experience – particularly if the topic in question could offend polite company.

He was therefore equal parts delighted and intrigued when his Facebook feed drew his attention to a Mamamia column penned by Mia Freedman’s 19-year-old son Luca Lavigne entitled ‘5 things porn won’t teach you about sex’ – an article Dr Mumbo immediately forwarded to his teacher friends in case they were phoning it in during PDHPE and using X-rated materials for the sake of brevity.

Teenage boys: regular readers of Mamamia?

Dr Mumbo agrees with Lavigne that perhaps stylised pornography is not the best way to learn bedroom basics (although he would contest Lavigne’s assertion that the non-porn-educated generation went into their first experiences like “a child playing pin the tail on the donkey”) – so in the spirit of learning from listicles and sharing stories, here are Dr Mumbo’s ‘5 favourite things Mamamia taught us about sex today’.

1. Location, location, location:
“The bit you want to put something in is not actually at the front. This can come as a surprise.”

Send help. Am lost.

2. Do not get guns, or cameras, involved:
“Mutually satisfying sex is so much more than a straightforward ‘point and shoot.'”

Pointing and shooting may not work

3. Do not get Harry Potter involved:
“The penis is not a magical staff from which you can conjure female orgasms at will.”

Young men may need to do more than shout: “Expelliarmus”

4. There is no fade to black, and the credits will not roll:
“After sex in porn (ie: after the male orgasm), it finishes. Both parties lay breathless and looking at each other suggestively, and the screen fades to black… If only it were that simple.”

This particular prop is not in Dr Mumbo’s bedroom

5. Once it’s all over, it’s time for crabs:
“…It’s the awkward crab scuttle to the bathroom, catching your dripping semen in her hands as she goes.”

Dr Mumbo sprung after a steamy session

Not everyone learned as much as Dr Mumbo, it would seem, with The Guardian’s Naaman Zhou questioning Lavinge’s myth-busting skills.

Others are simply looking forward to more shared learning experiences.

Dr Mumbo looks forward to that one too – for now though, he’s off to discover if animals really do sing ‘The Circle of Life’ when left alone in the wild.


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