5 things Dr Mumbo learned about sex from Mamamia
As he is not a doctor of the medical variety, sometimes Dr Mumbo makes the mistake of searching the internet for medical advice and tales of shared experience – particularly if the topic in question could offend polite company.
He was therefore equal parts delighted and intrigued when his Facebook feed drew his attention to a Mamamia column penned by Mia Freedman’s 19-year-old son Luca Lavigne entitled ‘5 things porn won’t teach you about sex’ – an article Dr Mumbo immediately forwarded to his teacher friends in case they were phoning it in during PDHPE and using X-rated materials for the sake of brevity.
Dr Mumbo agrees with Lavigne that perhaps stylised pornography is not the best way to learn bedroom basics (although he would contest Lavigne’s assertion that the non-porn-educated generation went into their first experiences like “a child playing pin the tail on the donkey”) – so in the spirit of learning from listicles and sharing stories, here are Dr Mumbo’s ‘5 favourite things Mamamia taught us about sex today’.
1. Location, location, location:
“The bit you want to put something in is not actually at the front. This can come as a surprise.”
2. Do not get guns, or cameras, involved:
“Mutually satisfying sex is so much more than a straightforward ‘point and shoot.'”
3. Do not get Harry Potter involved:
“The penis is not a magical staff from which you can conjure female orgasms at will.”
4. There is no fade to black, and the credits will not roll:
“After sex in porn (ie: after the male orgasm), it finishes. Both parties lay breathless and looking at each other suggestively, and the screen fades to black… If only it were that simple.”
5. Once it’s all over, it’s time for crabs:
“…It’s the awkward crab scuttle to the bathroom, catching your dripping semen in her hands as she goes.”
Not everyone learned as much as Dr Mumbo, it would seem, with The Guardian’s Naaman Zhou questioning Lavinge’s myth-busting skills.
imo the most baffling bit of all – nobody’s ‘porn misconception’ was that sex literally cut to black after it’s done??? this is not an issue pic.twitter.com/P5esjFlOwG
— Naaman Zhou (@naamanzhou) August 8, 2017
tfw you are an anatomical genius pic.twitter.com/5OQcl89tSN
— Naaman Zhou (@naamanzhou) August 8, 2017
maybe the most distressing simile ever written pic.twitter.com/JX2bF4uree
— Naaman Zhou (@naamanzhou) August 8, 2017
mia freedman’s son has written a how-to sex column that is ABSOLUTELY NIGHTMARISH in its level of weird personal detail pic.twitter.com/8LHoaH2YTM
— Naaman Zhou (@naamanzhou) August 8, 2017
Others are simply looking forward to more shared learning experiences.
Tomorrow from Luca Lavigne: what The Fast and the Furious doesn’t teach you about car maintenance
— Ben Pobjie (@benpobjie) August 8, 2017
Dr Mumbo looks forward to that one too – for now though, he’s off to discover if animals really do sing ‘The Circle of Life’ when left alone in the wild.
That article is almost as cringeworthy as the piece on research groups posted on Mumbrella the other day.
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Revolting. Fair dinkum, how cooked is Mamamia….. and Mia herself, to have her son write this then broadcast it.
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Naaman, well said.
Doctor Mumbo – you’re cracking me up here. Though I’d always picked you as a soft-shelled crustacean.
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Was he paid or is he just an “intern”? That’s THE question!
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