Opinion
Pride Month: To assume makes an ass of u and me
This Pride Month, I hope everyone thinks about how to be more inclusive in the way they ask personal questions – to everyone, in all contexts. After all, you don’t know who someone is until they tell you. Make it easier for them, writes Helena Snowdon.
I went to see Top Gun Maverick last night. I cried several times. It’s beautifully put together – a cohesion of the original and the new. It took me back to my teenage years when I saw it for the first time, then the second, then the third… when I listened to the soundtrack on cassette until it broke. When I wanted to be Tom Cruise, and all my friends wanted to be Kelly McGillis.
I’m a gay woman. I wanted to be Tom Cruise because I was enamoured by Kelly McGillis (and in turn, last night, by Jennifer Connelly). Why am I telling you this? Because the way I live my life and who I’m ‘out’ as now, versus who I had to pretend to be back then are poles apart.
The 90s were confusing. Teen magazines told me, “It’s alright darling, it’s just a phase, every girl goes through it”. No. They don’t. The early 2000s, when I started out in media were a pretense. Fortunately, it was the fashion at the time to wear men’s Diesel jeans, so I fitted right in alongside my straight female colleagues.
In 2008, I decided to come out at work. When I changed jobs later that year and went through the usual ‘getting to know you’ rotation of team members and a welcome lunch, a senior female scoffed (scoffed!) when I told her I had a girlfriend and said, “Ha, we all used to play hockey!”. What?
It was another few years of this casual disregard. But, by 2015, it felt like as each day passed there was another street corner I could turn in London without hurriedly letting go of my girlfriend’s hand.
It’s a different request I have now. Not just acceptance when I tell people I’m gay. By the way, re-read that and fully absorb how many times in their life a ‘simply gay’ person like me has had to out themselves and keep fingers crossed they’re accepted. Now think about what that means and feels like for someone who’s trans.
Back to the request I have. This Pride Month, I hope everyone thinks about how to be more inclusive in the way they ask personal questions – to everyone, in all contexts. After all, you don’t know who someone is until they tell you. Make it easier for them.
A couple of my personal favourites from recent years… in a job interview, I was asked by a male leader, “And what does hubby do?”. Not relevant, but I have a wife. In a new role, a female leader exclaimed in front of the entire office, “You’ve just had twins! Gosh, hasn’t your body bounced back quickly!” Thank you. I didn’t carry them.
I can hear you chuckling. Awkward though, isn’t it? It could have been as simple as, “And what does your partner do?” or “How are you finding parenthood?”.
Happy Pride Month to all my wonderful LGBTQI+ colleagues and allies and beyond. And to all of you who have read with kindness and open eyes. We learn and get better, together.
Helena Snowdon, head of new business, Publicis Media
