Fruitless PR and other puns
Welcome to Dr Mumbo’s new series: Press releases that make you want to kill yourself. Here’s today’s choice:
KYLE, DENI, BRYNNE, MIRANDA, CATE, RACHAEL AND RYAN HONOURED IN CON-TENTIOUS NEW “AUSTRALIA DAY” AWARDS
Kyle Sandilands’ nasty spat with a newspaper journalist, Deni Hines’ villainous performance on Celebrity Apprentice, Brynne Edelsten’s penchant for going full blast in the spray tan booth and Miranda Kerr’s bottom baring on the cover of Harper’s Bazaar have all been honoured in a con-tentious new awards program led by Con The Fruiterer, the iconic retailer of the legendary comedy series The Comedy Company.
True Blood’ star Ryan Kwanten, Red Dog’s Rachael Taylor and all-round achiever Cate Blanchett were also singled out as winners in Con’s first annual Australia “Summer Stonefruit” Day Awards on January 25th, a mouth-watering, rib-tickling alternative to the official Australia Day Awards and a commemoration of Con’s special day of appreciation for the country’s dribbilicious peaches, nectarines, plums and apricots, all at their peak right now.
With seven titles up for grabs, Australians made their voices heard on Facebook, nominating and debating a range of contenders from Liam Hemsworth, Hugh Jackman, Warnie and Karl Stefanovic to Jennifer Hawkins, Jessica Gomes, Julia Gillard and Rachel Finch. The final lucky winners were hand-picked by Con who hopes to personally deliver each one a case of fresh, juicy stonefruit as their prize.
Got The Pip Award – Kyle Sandilands
“Kyle won the Got The Pip Award not for losing it with the jerno but because we love to see what he’s going to do next,” said Con. “He’s addictive like peaches because he makes us feel stuff and he gives us someone to talk about when we got nothing much to talk about.
“We love to hate him because we secretly love him because he does stuff we got told is stuff we shouldn’t do but he’s got the kurridge to be himself or to carry on like he’s doing everything wrong just because he lets off steam that way. Or maybe he’s just a pig.
“Duzn’t matta, he won the award for spitting the dummy because the jerno said something he didn’t like, a classic case of killing the massager cos she wasn’t making anything up or sayin an opinion, just sayin he wasn’t as much on the raydar. Kyle knew how to fix that. He put himself so on the raydar, the sponsers ran for cover. This was a case of Kyle being an over-achieva!”
100% Dribbilicious Aussie Bloke Award – Ryan Kwanten
100% Dribbilicious Aussie Sheila Award – Rachael Taylor
“Over achieven in the looks department and appealing to women Australia wide and probably wider is Ryan Kwanten, the fampier who wins the Blood Plum Award for Dribbilicious Aussie Bloke,” said Con.
“I seen my daughters stroking their necks thinking about him fampierin them. He’s like a huge good lookin mozzie – I think that’s what his show’s about – except he’s so popalar he’s given blood suckin fampiers and the undead a good name. He is living or non-livin proof that politics is show bizness for the ugly because them undeads is not winnin any awards for being Dribbilicious.
“Unlike Rachael Taylor, Dribbilicious Aussie Sheila, whether she’s up a tree or starring in Red Dog or flirtin with Hollywood, who doesn’t love her? She’s gorgeous and talented and as welcome as the kind of peach you wait a season to deliver.”
Apricot Look-Alike Award – Brynne Edelsten
“Speakin of peaches, our Apricot Look-Alike is Brynne Edelsten. Brynne’s like several apricots – all the varietals you wait for and just as lushus and generous and shapely and the same colour,” said Con.
“In the Himlayas they reckon apricots mean longevity – make of that what you will. If that’s true I’m going to be 100 not out like Michael Clarke who was so not out he decided when to go out. What a champion he turned out to be.
Plum Crazy Award – Deni Hines
“Plum crazy is what you get from trying to choose what plum you like most,” said Con. “There’s so many of them you could lose it like Deni Hines, the ‘fillen’ on Celebrity Apprentice. Deni is a smart girl. I think she’s been watching Kyle and realising that the only thing in the world worser than being talked about is not being talked about. So Deni done whatever she needed to get talked about.
“Deni – just one thing – we Australians don’t sing the National Anthem because we don’t know the words but we know the tune and stand up and stand tall and sing the words we know. If we can do it, you can do it because you can sing. But thinking you could profoak peoples, maybe because the movers and shakers is like that, is crazy but you got everyone talking about yous so well done.”
Nectarine Crack Award – Miranda Kerr and Nathan Gardner (joint winners)
“The award for Nectarine Crack is split between Miranda Kerr and that bloke from the rubbgy team Cronulla Sharks named Nathan Gardner who proved there was Nathan between him and the spectators when he got dacked by Jamal Idris,” said Con.
“Miranda done it for a photo shoot and even though I wouldn’t want my daughters doing that – and they couldn’t without a wide angle lens – Miranda proves that having babies is no disinsentif to being, well, Miranda Kerr.”
Peachy Keen Award – Cate Blanchett
“Winner of the Peachy Keen Award by a vote of thousands is Cate Blanchett. Cate’s a kind of over-achieva who makes the world a betta place,” said Con.
“Even when she come out in fava of the carpon tax we loved her and we gave her the benefit of the doubt that she misunderstood how everyone hates the word ‘tax’. But we all love her. She makes us proud of ourselves whenever Cate do something fantastic what she always doing because that’s what she does. She’s even got kids and I personally hopes she has another five because whatever she’s got might be genetic – let’s hope so.”
If you need reminding, this is what they did last year:
This year’s campaign has recieved the major PR breakthrough of appearing on community TV in Melbourne.
I’d comment, but I’ve already killed myself.
User ID not verified.
Do you *have* to kill yourself, or can you kill other people? ‘Cause ‘jerno’ is justifiable homicide right there.
User ID not verified.
TL:DR!
User ID not verified.
I wouldn’t say no to Ryan Kwanten’s plums and banana.
User ID not verified.
@Cody C… Hahaha! True!
User ID not verified.
What barrow is this pushing? Assuming if it’s a press release, there’s a client involved?
User ID not verified.
Dr Mumbo – get a life and stop picking on PRs all the time. You’d have no stories if they didn’t exist
User ID not verified.
Sorry is this a press release or a challenge to see how many Australian “celebrities” you can fit into a load of dribble? I wonder if any of the “stars” are aware their names are associated with such nonsense.
User ID not verified.
it kills me to admit it, but i loled.
User ID not verified.
Jenna, babe,
It’s ‘drivel’ not ‘dribble’.
User ID not verified.
Whoever wrote this needs to be fired asap!
User ID not verified.