Career coach: I love my job, but I hate my boss – what do I do?
It’s a workplace dilemma that can dictate your overall happiness during a day in the office. This week, we tackle what to do when you love the role you work in, but not the personalities you work with
I love my job, but I hate my boss – what do I do??”
Hi Lorraine
I hear you. Hate’s a strong word though, and if you really do feel that strongly then I’m sorry, it’s a horrible way to feel every day and this has probably been going on for a while?
Ok, we have a few options here. None of which I’m afraid include getting your boss to change, getting rid of them ‘horrible-bosses-style’ or telling them where to stick their job.
You can’t change other people, you can only change how you react to, and interact with, them.
Have a talk with them (this is not the same as ‘have it out with them’)
Without more details it’s hard for me to know where your hatred is coming from. Are they hands on, hands off, do they play favourites, or is it a personality clash? Do they (or you) clash with everyone, or is it just something between the two of you?
Either way, first thing you need to figure out is what you want. What do you want to happen, to change?
Although you know this conversation is about trying to get them to start/stop doing whatever it is that’s making you feel like this, they don’t need to know that.
This isn’t about them, this is about you. “It’s not you, it’s me”, as they say.
Here are some sentence starters…
- I’ve noticed that…
- I feel…
- The impact is…
- I may have contributed by…
- What I would like is…
- How do you think we should move forward on this…
Treat them how they wish to be treated
Forget for a moment how they’re treating you; are you treating them in the way they want to be treated?
Are they extrovert, introvert, detail-focused, big-picture? It’s not pandering, it’s professional – if you know that behaving in a certain way will help your case, then try it. See what happens, it might help.
Talk to someone who can influence/help
Never accuse or blame or make it personal when you go to a 3rd party. Nobody cares, most people don’t like bitching in the workplace, and it doesn’t show how he or she can help.
If you’re talking to someone else about the situation you’re in, this is about what you see as the communication issues, what you’ve done to try and solve it, and what would they suggest as a next step. (This might also be a bit of a safety blanket for you, depending on the level of animosity between you.)
Suck It Up
You’re a big girl now. It’s unlikely anyone will care if you two don’t get on if you’re at a senior level. You’ll just be told to sort it out. And so for your own sanity you need to change how you react to them and deal with them. Don’t take it personally. Don’t disengage from your work, or from them. And don’t bitch. Figure out what you’re going to do about it, pick your battles (if any) and concentrate on the goal you’re aiming for, regardless of this relationship.
Leave
I’m sorry to say that if you’ve tried all of the above, none of it’s working, you hate your 9-5pm (or most likely longer hours), get out. DON’T tell them where to stick it, never burn bridges – the world is too small.
But there have got to be similar roles out there. You said you love your job? Find another one before your confidence, sanity and references get obliterated. Don’t jump ship just to get out. Figure out what your next move could/should be, make it a positive goal (not a run-away option), and go after it.
It’s all about choice.
You choose (not easily) how to react to them. You choose whether the role is worth the toxic relationship. You choose whether to stay or go.
Just make sure you’ve tried to make it work, and that if you decide to go it’s towards a positive change, not away from a toxic one.
- Kate Savage is a career coach and mentor at Elbow Room Group
If you have a question you’d like answered, just email kate.savage@elbowroomcoaching.com – named or anonymous, on any career topic.
Good advice. And how often do we actually have bosses we ‘love’?. Most work places are a pressure cooker of different personality styles, ambitions, needs, neurosis, and yes the odd genuine psychopath (get out now!!) and we’re not there for a jolly, we’re there to make a profit or get a ‘result’ and if we don’t heads will roll. Phew. No wonder most of us can probably relate at some point to “i hate my boss”. More of a miracle is working under someone you like and respect most of the time. Thank you SSA, DC, AP & MOF you know who you are!
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Career Coach….is that any relation to Life Coach?
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Hi Nic
Good question!
Career Coaching and Life Coaching are definitely related, but from different families.
Most coaches should (hopefully!) have specific training and focus in one or both of these to be able to claim expertise.
Then who you work with would depend on the outcome you are looking for.
Do you want support, tools and techniques to increase your impact at work, or is there something(s) in your personal life you would rather work on?
Of course, you talk about your life outside work in career coaching, and vice versa I’m sure – but Career Coaching (or at least my work) focusses specifically on increasing your impact, recognition, productivity and rewards in your career.
Very happy to have a quick chat if you want to give me a call on 0406 779 227.
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A variety of factors can motivate a human being. Human beings are not robots, which is why robots are so damn awesome at replacing humans in roles that involve no emotion… Think manufacturing lines, think 3d printers, think UBER and driverless cars in the not too distant future.
It is really tough when your boss sucks. If the company / purpose / colleagues and cause give you the drive and motivation to keep going, then you should be able to ride it out, as bosses come and go and bad ones are usually sniffed out. The key if you think that your boss is a dud, is to ask other members of the team, (trusted colleagues). If you keep it to yourself you will go mad and become upset. Ask, align thoughts and if need be; take action. Manage up and if need be, involve the masses in the workplace to manage them out.
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Call out the bastard in front of the entire office.
Chances are that you are not the only he has been an arse to.
He will then ask you to go into his office away from prying eyes.
Don’t!
Unless his office has glass walls.
Then go nuclear on his sorry arse.
(Of course, back your ‘conversation’ with indisputable facts).
By this point, everyone within earshot will be whipping out their iPhones to record the public bitch slap.
If the the scales of universal justice are in your favour, the boss from hell will be bounced out.
Note:
In a showdown the stakes are high. Only one will survive.
So be very sure of yourself. And be prepared for the consequences if you fail.
To stay on under an unreasonable boss doesn’t make you tough. Just another office victim.
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Bad Bad Bad. “They” is not a replacement for the absence of a common gender, and one should never offer advice when the vital facts are unknown.
In this case even the working relationship is unknown. Might all just be a growing up experience and one of those little rocks against which we have all caught our feet and stumbled, before striding ahead.
I loved my boss but hated my job once, I wasted nearly a year of my life trying to make the job work for the sake of my relationship with my the boss! Now that was insane :o(
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I work with a bunch of women of which I am one. We are all type AAA personalities. Holy crap it gets tough at times. Trying to remove myself from the toxic and focus on my purpose gets challenging. One co- worker in particular gets on my last nerve quite frequently because if you try to talk with her she starts to cry…… I get that she won’t change and it’s up to me to pick my behavior. Bugs me that she can act the way she does without consequence. The older I get the more I lose my patience. Love my job so I think I’ll just move my desk:)
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