After a long, long week in Cannes, Mumbrella managing editor Robin Hicks has some awards of his own to give out.
So, the crazy advertising circus that is Cannes is over. And all the awards have been given out. But no one likes going home empty handed.
Here are the Unofficial Cannes Lions winners…
Juiciest rumour – grand prix: The big networks have been leaning on the judges to vote for their own network’s entries.
Juiciest rumour – gold: Haymarket will close the print edition of either UK ‘advertising Bible’ Campaign or Marketing and make them online only.
Juiciest rumour – silver: Block voting by networks will lead to a boycott of Cannes.
Biggest criticism of Cannes – grand prix: Presentations were repeats of those given at other festivals earlier in the year.
Biggest criticism of Cannes – gold: The work wasn’t as good as last year.
Most conservative estimate for how much money Cannes Lions makes: €39m ($49m)
Most ‘out there’ conference session: Korean network Cheil’s showcase of K-pop band 21.
Most inaccurate Cannes prediction – grand prix: That BYO Cup Day for 7-Eleven by Leo Burnett Melbourne wouldn’t win more than a bronze.
Most inaccurate Cannes prediction – gold: That Australia would have its worst ever at Cannes. We probably had our best ever – 59 lions, up from 35 in 2011.
Most ironic juxtaposition of awards: Wieden + Kennedy founder Dan Wieden urges independent agencies to “stay independent!” after receiving his lifetime achievement award… just before the holding company of the year award.
Most boring trade title: AdNews. Conspicuous by their absence at parties. SAdNews.
Best alternative use of a Cannes Lion: A door stop, by Adam Hunt of Mamasan Bondi.
Most annoying contingent of journalists: Brazil. Territorialised areas of the press room and did not understand the meaning of SHHHH.
Best unawarded Australian ad: Ship Song Project by The Monkeys, which was “lost in translation” by the jury, says The Monkeys ECD Scott Nowell.
Biggest achievement for a shortlisted Aussie agency: Fnuky gets an Adelaide shop on a shortlist (PR) for the first time in, um, many a year.
Most disappointing revelation for Australia: That BBH won’t be setting up in Oz any time soon.
Worst interview: The rambling, nonsensical non-questions put to former US President Bill Clinton. Who didn’t answer them anyway. The low-light of the festival? Probably.
Most inappropriate introduction to a speaker: Brazilian ad legend Nizan Guanaes, chairman of Grupo ABC de Comunicação, introduced former US President Bill Clinton as “the 42nd President of the United Stations”.
Best party: on board BETC’s yacht.
Worst party: the closing gala. A frazzled, bad energy about it. Good fireworks though.
Best compliment about an ad: Bill Clinton called the DirecTV campaign by Grey New Yorks “the funniest commercials I’ve ever seen.”
Best comment about Australian advertising: Argentine ad guru and JWT worldwide creative director Fernando Vega Olmos. “The thing I like about Australian advertising is that it doesn’t take itself too seriously.”
Worst attended press session: MTV. Tumble weed.
Most liberal application of hair product: Branded content Cannes juror Michael Hilliard, executive producer, Finch Sydney
Most noticeable sponsor – grand prix: Cheil
Most noticeable sponsor – gold: Film Brazil
Most noticeable sponsor – silver: Innocean
Worst result in the Euro soccer championships for the mood of locals at the Closing Gala party: Spain beat France.
Most horrifying sight for animal lovers: A bear skin rug at the BETC party. (It is unclear whether the bear’s head on said rug was the same bear used in BETC’s ‘The Bear’ ad for Canal Plus, which won the grand prix for Film Craft.)
Most beautiful people in Cannes: impossible to choose. Agony for unsuccessful singletons.
Most unlikely pairing in a conference session: Brazilian footballer Ronaldo and WPP boss Sir Martin Sorrell.
Loudest question asked at a press conference: The Australian’s media business writer Darren Davidson, who was ticked off by conference CEO Philip Thomas for deafening the press room when shouting a question at the Branded Content jury.
Best view at a party: Microsoft’s beach party.
Best ranter at parties: Mark Sweney, advertising, marketing and new media correspondent for The Guardian newspaper.
Best Cannes juror: Tham Khai Meng, global chief creative officer of Ogilvy, who chaired the Film and Press Lions. Tough but fair.
Most casually dressed bigwig: global BBDO boss Andrew Robertson.
Most thought-provoking session: Alain de Botton. Bald but brilliant.
Most embarrassing spelling mistake: Google’s poster for its Project Re-Brief session. Which creative wrote ‘Meet The Lengendary Creatives’? Come on, own up.
Best Cannes hand print: David Lynch
Best Cannes press officer: Amelia Craig, who’s also personal assistant to movie director Sofia Coppola.
Feistiest reporter in press conferences: Campaign Asia Pacific’s Emily Tan. One of the few hacks to ask more of jurors than: ‘So, what did you think of the winner from [insert country here]?’
Most well-attended press briefing: Debbie Harry from Blondie.
Most powerful marketer in Cannes: Coca-Cola’s Joseph Tripodi, executive vice president, chief marketing and commercial officer.
Most uncanny resemblance to Private Pyle from Stanley Kubrick film Full Metal Jacket: Former world footballer of the year, Ronaldo.
Best mode of transport – grand prix: The Arnold Amsterdam Bike.
Best mode of transport – gold: The Dutch Young Lions bus.
Least well-attended attraction in Cannes: The beach.
Best publishing idea for a Cannes issue: Advertising Age’s global cover competition.
Most perfect individual – grand prix: David Jones, global boss of Havas, formerly head of Euro RSCG Sydney. Powerful. Young. Smart. Good looking. Charming. Speaks fluent French. Sickening.
Most perfect individual – gold: NineMSN’s immaculate boss Mark Britt.
Most confusing interviewee: R/GA’s creative chief Bob Greenberg. Um, huh?
Best business card – grand prix: Kerrie Finch, founder and CEO of PR firm Finch Factor.
Best business card – gold: Geoff Edwards, ECD of San Francisco-based agency Dojo.
Worst business card: Mars. The creativity of the Cannes Advertiser of the Year clearly doesn’t translate to all forms of communication.
More ironic business card: Mark Terry-Lush, founder and CEO of the UK PR group Renegade Media.
Most blatant attempt at self publicity: A man waved his business card in front of a camera at the Closing Gala, which people could see on a big screen in the VIP area.
Worst attended sponsored area on La Croisette – grand prix: Yahoo! tied with MPG (even with daily emails begging people to come).
Worst attended sponsored area on La Croisette – gold: The Mobile Marketing Association’s hangover-magnifying orange tent.
Worst excuse for avoiding an interview: “I’m sorry, I’m running into a board meeting.”
Most gratuitous love-in during a conference session: BBH founder Sir John Hegarty and Dan Wieden. You’re great. No, you’re great.
Best trade rag Cannes edition cover – grand prix: Nigeria’s ICE magazine (Intelligence, Culture, Evolution) tied with Advertising Age.
Best trade rag Cannes edition cover – gold: The Drum
Best trade rag Cannes edition cover – silver: Campaign Asia Pacific
Most boring trade rag Cannes edition cover: PR Week
Most unfortunate case of bad timing: Naked’s Adam Ferrier, who was suffering from a dodgy stomach, had to dash to the loo during Bill Clinton’s speech.
Best sabotage of an interview: Arun Sudhaman, managing editor of UK PR bible The Holmes Report, walked in front of a rolling camera during The Economic Times of India’s (long-winded) interview with Bob Greenberg.
Were in Cannes? Can think of others? Leave a comment or email firstname.lastname@example.org and we’ll add them to the list.