If COVID-19 happened a year ago, it would have broken me
A year ago, OMD's Elizabeth Blaker was struggling with obsessive behaviour around food, exercise, and routine. Here, she explains why even those who are there to help - she's the agency's people and development manager - also need help sometimes, and aren't immune to the impacts of mental illness.
Content warning: This opinion piece discusses exercise and food behaviours, and mental health
COVID-19. A time in our lives during which it is understandable and acceptable to feel anxious, uncertain and overwhelmed. However, somehow, I have felt resilient, open and calm.
12 months ago, had you thrown COVID-19 my way, I would have crumbled. Past me was anxious, routine-driven, a perfectionist, desperate to finding control and, if I am truly honest with myself, depressive. The constant need to be perfect and high achieving was a never-ending battle.
I always had a goal to run a half marathon, and 2019 was the year to do it. While I am so proud of this achievement now, it almost broke me. The challenge was fun at the beginning; I had runner’s high.
Photo by sporlab on Unsplash
However, the goal turned into an obsession, a need to be great, a need to have control. And no achievement was enough. I ticked off the half marathon, and in the moment afterwards, I felt numb. This huge achievement in my life felt insignificant.
That was not the end.
The obsession continued.
Pilates four times a week, personal training two times a week, waking up at 5am to get off at an earlier train station to walk four to five kilometres to work multiple times a week, treadmill sprints at 8pm. The machine never ended.
My control over exercise transitioned into control over food and calories. Counting and counting and counting, to be better, to feel better, to have control over something when I felt like the rest of my life was out of my control.
My relationship with exercise, food, and routine – which was initially used to cope with other stressors – quickly turned negative and mentally unhealthy.
I began experiencing outbreaks of tears at the smallest of things: The work fridge clean out that sent me into a spiral, the anxiousness of going to social events, the tears at leaving my family.
I was riding a rollercoaster of emotions and it was hard not to let that impact me, including at work.
I made the first, hard step of booking an appointment to chat with someone (thank you to OMD for making it financially possible through its employee assistance program).
After seven months of seeing a psychologist, I learnt that I was not really being honest with them about my situation, and it was even harder to be honest with myself. I went through the rigmarole of trying to find the ‘right’ psychologist for me, but eventually it clicked that, no matter who I saw, I was unable to move forward without opening up to myself (this was not my first journey with trying to manage my mental health either).
Fast forward three months, and we’re deep into COVID-19.
I am surviving, I am grateful, I am content.
Past me would have been panicked about not mastering a thousand hobbies during isolation, not having control over every little thing.
However, I thankfully took the advice to be honest with myself. Sometimes we need a little help, whether that be seeing a psychologist, medication or speaking with your family or work buddies.
Recently, I said to my manager: “I am feeling anxious about something happening at work.”
Past me would have not said anything at all and bottled it up. No matter your level of seniority, role, or industry, mental health does not discriminate.
Every day is not going to be perfect, but I now wake up thankful, and appreciative of where I am, how I feel and the people I have around me.
It is okay to have a moment – I certainly still have them – but we should accept it, own it, feel it. I am okay with riding the wave, letting go, and knowing there will be highs, lows, and then that moment where it all settles back to a steady flow.
So, from me to you, in this moment, it is okay not to feel like your best self. You do not have to be the fastest runner, embroidery whiz or now trilingual. Stop and accept exactly where you are.
As I write this, I am sitting in my car reflecting, while also eating a whole bag of lollies because it’s what I need. However, when you feel like things are getting too much or you are overwhelmed, be ready to take that next step and get help when you need it. If you are worried about someone you know, speak up and reach out to services that can help you navigate the conversation with them.
Over the last few months, I’ve learnt a lot. I’ve learnt to:
Be kind to yourself. I cannot count the number of times my sister has written this on my birthday card, and finally I agree with her.
Share your feelings with others. I always thought I was a burdening people with my problems. In reality, my friends and family accept me for exactly who I am, and in my case, it has only made us closer.
Speak to a psychologist or see your GP. This is one of the most important steps I took. The only person that was judging me was me.
Flip something that was a negative into a positive. Walking and pilates soothe my soul and help me to find some calm; you can learn to re-love an activity or thing which was once ‘unhealthy’ or a stressor.
Things will get better. It might take time and the steps can feel small, but one day you will look back and see how far you have really come. In that moment of realisation, you can feel proud of yourself.
If you or someone you know needs help, the following resources are available:
Lifeline 13 11 14
Suicide Call Back Service 1300 659 467
Beyond Blue 1300 224 636
MensLine Australia 1300 789 978
Black Dog Institute
Elizabeth Blaker is people and development manager at OMD
Thank you Lizzie for speaking up on a topic that often goes unspoken about. Well done and we are lucky to have you! Aims
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Thank you for opening up publicly on this, Elizabeth! Your experiences will definitely give hope and inspiration to those in the industry who are going through similar struggles. Hope you and the fam are keeping and coping well!
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As a colleague (and friend), I had no idea until just now that you’ve been going through a challenging time. But I’m not surprised at your honesty and clear desire to put this out there in the interests of helping even just one person. Everyone needs help sometimes and I think you’re very brave.
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Proud of you for sharing and owning this part of your journey.
“The only person that was judging me was me.” This line is going to stick with me.
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Extremely honest and powerful article piece Liz. Big love
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Thanks for being so open and sharing your experience, this is an important story for people to hear.
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A raw and honest piece. Thank you for sharing. You are an inspiration!
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What a great article – thank you. Employee assistance programs are such a brilliant and often underutilized benefit. Thanks for showcasing that the first hard step can really pay off.
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Amazing amazing Lizzie. It takes a lot of courage to be so honest. We’re so lucky to have you! X
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What a beautiful human you are to share your honesty with us
Your story will help others
Thank you
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Thank you for sharing. Courageous and honest. I had anorexia in my 20s, and I can relate to the control aspect of your story. There’s a lot of stigma and misinformation when it comes to mental illness, and raw accounts like yours help to bring light and understanding to these complex issues. To anyone out there who is currently suffering, and I’m sure there are a lot of you, take some time to be present and honest with yourself – if you can. Sit with your feelings. Meditation helps. Don’t give up. Things will get better. Believe in yourself.
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I agree with the commentator above – EAP’s are such underutilized programs, but make amazing assistance available at no cost. Glad to see you’ve gotten through this, and good on you for sharing – the more we talk about this, the more we’ll help others
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Hi Elizabeth
Really impressed by the genuine honesty of your story. Thanks for sharing. In your role it gives you enormous credibility as i see it.
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Lizzie, I’m so glad I stumbled across this. Having worked with you, I know what a beautiful person you are inside and out. Your courage and honesty here is selfless and I’m so pleased you’ve had the support to find more inner peace. And that’s one of the most valuable things we all have. Thanks for being you.
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Elizabeth, this is a wonderful read and a demonstration of vulnerability that hopefully will show others the benefits of being kind to yourself.
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Proud of you Lizzie x
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You should be so proud of yourself Lizzie.
This is from the heart, honest and brave.
Thank you for talking about such an important topic. We love working with you.
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Thank you for sharing your story. I can totally relate. Another thing I learnt when experiencing challenges with PND was ‘this too shall pass’. Sounds obvious but it’s important when the anxiety is all consuming it’s important to stop and remember it won’t always be this way.
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Darling Lizzy, asking for help or saying ‘no, I am not OK’ requires the biggest strength which you have!!! You are an amazing woman, I am so proud of you for sharing your story!! Lots of love flying your way all the way from London xx
PS: OMD Sydney also supported me at tough times and made me a stronger person which I will be grateful forever!!!
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Wonderful article, Elizabeth. Just by being honest (and public) about your struggles you’ll have empowered so many others to accept their own struggles and accept that it’s normal to need help. Well done 🙂
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Thanks for sharing your story! Well done on being brave enough to seek help and inspiring others to do the same.
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Thank you for this uplifting read & insightful reminders. I love your final 5 points, a refreshing reminder.
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