Vanishing values: manners maketh the marketplace
Emma Andrews is a stay-at-home mum, who sells a lot of clothes online. She shares her experience (and frustration) with the way people’s manners and attitudes towards shopping seem to be changing. But really, it’s a piece about kindness and thinking about how that works in an online space.
Two years ago, I decided to start selling clothes online as a way to fund my somewhat worrying obsession with dresses and also as an opportunity to focus on shopping second hand.
It used to be so simple. I received a lot of messages from genuine buyers who wanted my clothes. But recently, I’ve become increasingly frustrated. It’s all I think about, actually. I corner my partner in the kitchen and rant and rave. About what, you may ask? About how rude people are to me online.
As a vintage and second hand clothing seller, the online marketplace appears perfect for a stay at home mum as a way of making a small income with relative ease. But what I’m increasingly finding is that people send me messages without any real intention of buying anything. They’ll ask me for measurements, more pictures, what does it look like on please? And then nothing. Vanished.
I have a theory that I’d like to share with you. And it is this. It only takes a quick look at online selling platforms to appreciate that the market is saturated with people like me. To the consumer, we are all the same. We are nameless, our clothes are interchangeable. And so, manners are left abruptly behind.
I really like manners; I think they’re important. In theory, society does too as we teach children from a young age how important they are. The problem is, quite a few adults have stopped using theirs. I literally cannot tell you the number of times I have been (for want of a better term) ghosted by people who seem genuinely interested in what I have to sell online.
I understand they’re not my friends and they owe me nothing. But the thing that bothers me is that it’s not how people behave in public. They don’t walk into shops, ask to try things on and disappear before the sales assistant turns around. They don’t go to the counter and offer to pay half the price for the item, only for the sales assistant to find the clothes dropped on the floor as (you’ve guessed it) they’ve vanished again. The more I write about it, vanishing in this way does sound appealing and would be impressive, but I’m pretty sure it’s our code of manners and not the fact that we can’t vanish which stops us from behaving like this.
So – here is my question. Why are our manners online different? On a marketplace site, besides sharing our name, we are anonymous effectively. But isn’t it worrying that it’s only accountability which is forcing us to be kind? Shouldn’t we just be polite and kind because it’s in our nature?
I believe many people are happy to comfortably scroll their screens, looking at clothes they have no real intention of buying, asking if they are available and then not thinking it worth their time to reply to say they’ve changed their mind. It bothers me.
And so – as an experiment – I decided to start my own subtle form of marketplace vigilantism. When people don’t reply to me, I point it out. I suggest it’s rude. And you
would be surprised at the reaction. How dare I? They were about to reply, but they got busy. They had a migraine. Rude? Them? Absolutely not! Would they have replied if I hadn’t messaged them? Absolutely not.
We don’t like to think of ourselves in this way, in a negative light. But the reality is that our behaviour – online, face to face – has an impact. We have the power to do good. Most people selling online are not big businesses with cold hard exteriors who can handle a series of complaints and being ignored without frankly being a little hurt.
So, the next time you ask about something you want to buy online, maybe think – do I have any intention of buying this? And if not – maybe just let that person know. It will stop them, for one thing, from ranting and raving in the kitchen and also it will make them realise they are valued for what they are doing. See – your words have power!
Emma Andrews is a teacher and from the UK originally. She is a stay at home mum to a cheeky (nearly) one year old.
Will written and good points made
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