Time to pick-up the bar
In response to Jasmin Bedir's op-ed last month, Never Not Creative founder Andy Wright says that its time for men in the industry to pick up the bar, writing that it doesn't have to be hard or scary.
This article contains references to sexual consent, sexual harassment and sexual assault and may be triggering for some readers. For any Australian who has experienced, or is at risk of, family and domestic violence and/or sexual assault please call 1800 RESPECT or visit www.1800respect.org.au. 1800 RESPECT is open 24 hours, 7 days a week.
A few weeks ago, a good friend of mine penned this piece on Mumbrella – A good bloke? The bar is hanging too f-king low.
Now, I don’t know the complete reaction to the piece, but I do know that it riled a few up, caused a few more to ‘reach out’ and praise and probably many more to confidently move on, with the knowledge that “this isn’t me, I’m not the problem.”
The thing is, fellas, you’re probably, hopefully, not the problem when it comes to criminal convictions or acts of physical violence. The numbers Jas quoted are still terrifying, but there is another problem many of us are missing – and weirdly play an active role in.
We’re the ‘silent majority of good blokes. We’ve done nothing wrong. Or perhaps we know we’ve done some questionable things in the past, but we’re better now. We’ve settled down with wives, daughters, and nieces. Or we’ve got sons and nephews.
There’s comfort in not doing anything ‘wrong.’ But there’s absolute fear and terror in doing something that’s not right. So let me be clear – it’s nothing like the fear or terror of not feeling safe in the office at night with your boss or walking to the car park. It is a fear though. Fear of being called out, ostracised, laughed at, removed from the group, uninvited, passed up, being labelled a ‘woke, soft cock’. A fear of making a mistake in a world that, ever so slowly, is becoming less forgiving or ignorant of them.
For the last nine months, I’ve met regularly with a group of guys in fairly senior positions across our industry. It started with the objective of helping Jasmin and the Fck The Cupcakes gang to get out an important message with the Be-The-Change.com.au campaign. It’s evolved into fairly regular (men-only) monthly catchups to discuss our biases, privileges and experiences as white men who have had (in comparison) a relatively smooth ride to the top.
One of the first things we needed to get comfortable with was that we are not perfect. Indeed, very far from it. It took a little while, but gradually, more and more in each session, we shared examples of our ‘far-from-perfectness’. It was a safe space for us to share and not be judged. A space to ask, “what should I do?” “what would you do differently?”. “How do we show up?” instead of hide in a group.
One story (and I’m sure you’ll have one similar) centred on ‘being with the boys’ and being a silent, awkward bystander discussing the latest young talent in the office. In the eyes of many, it’s a harmless bit of banter. “You would, wouldn’t you.” In the eyes of others, “Oh, come on, the girls are probably having the same conversation!”. Maybe they are, but at the same time, we’re talking about two very different scales of the problem. I’ve never met a man who’s been leant over, suggested to, backed into a corner, or had their knee touched for just too long in a taxi with a client. But I’ve heard many stories (and worse) from women – indeed, a fair few of them in the last 12 months.
Of course, not every ‘banter’ conversation results in one of the group sexually abusing a woman. But it legitimises and reinforces an unhealthy perception of women in our workplaces. A perception that discounts their ability, their skills, their experience and perhaps how seriously they’d be considered for a leadership position.
As a bloke, calling it out is hard. Last year, I called out an incident I witnessed. I went back and forth many times on how to deal with it. I got counselled by friends, our WhatsApp industry men’s group. I wrote an entire article on what’s wrong. In the end, though, I reached out one-on-one to the person involved. In the end, it wasn’t that scary. In the end, it was a grown-up conversation about stories and anecdotes that haven’t aged well, about having a role in shaping the perspectives and futures of others. Ultimately, we’d arrived at a mutual understanding and a curiosity to understand more.
It wasn’t a great leap for mankind. It was just a chat. That’s all it takes in the end.
Dr Zac Seidler, a specialist in men’s psychology, domestic abuse and male suicide, shared an interesting concept around this in a podcast we did together last year. He talked about the ‘perception gap.’ The idea is that we’ll be cast out of our friend group if we speak up about behaviour that we believe is unacceptable or makes us uncomfortable. The gap is the reality. The reality that if we’re thinking it, other people will be thinking it too. There are ways to bring up these views that are safer than others. We can help each other to build up the confidence to speak up. We can help by supporting those that do.
When it comes to that bar sitting too f-king low, it’s just a case of picking it up. It doesn’t have to be hard. We don’t have to fear it. Most men I know would say they’d like to be better. For themselves, their families, their mates, and their colleagues. This is just one way we can do that.
Andy Wright is the CEO of Streamtime, founder of Never Not Creative and co-chair of the Mentally-Healthy Change Group.
Never Not Creative runs the NNC Allies group for men who are interested in better-supporting women in the workplace
Bravo. Hey we’ve all got a bar to pick up. ‘That’s not me’ my fav line to hear when it comes to any issue. I’m not racist – well generations of abuse and racism didn’t filter to nowhere. Stats say we’re all a bit bloody racist. Misogyny is the same, generations of it and if it’s ‘not you’ then who the hell is it? stats say different. Women and men alike…
Oh yeah you just said all this. Anyway here is to picking up bars for a better future. Nice chat x
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